Two days a week we have a sitter for a few hours so I can go to campus for work and meetings. It’s expensive, but surprisingly cheaper than a day care facility. We can’t really afford it, but we don’t really have a choice for the next three months. Though it’s costly, I kind of enjoy it. It’s like I get to visit my old life two days a week. I sit in class; I have intelligent conversations; I work from my cubicle; I see friends and adults! There is no little person hanging on me who needs me for everything. I can wear my favorite clothes and jewelry! My friends ask me if I’m sad or freaking out when I’m away from Annabelle. Heck no! It’s a wonderful break for me. My delight in this isn’t necessarily bad, but it does make me aware of my selfishness.
Parenting reveals the worst in me. I’m selfish, and I have been relying on myself and my strength to do this parenting thing and to handle everything else in my life. The usual work, school, dissertation, research project, home, errands, money problems, on and on. It’s too much when I think of managing all of these things. Thankfully, I picked up on #shereadstruth from several of my Instagram friends, and this daily email has me back in the Word. I took a hiatus out of mere survival for a few months, but I’m returning now for the same reason. This week, I’m meditating on the truth of needing to abide in Him.
Remembering to abide in Him helps me come to a point of acceptance of this whole parenting thing. It is what it is. I can only do so much to control things. My strength needs to come from the Lord, and I need to abide in Him whether I get 2 hours of sleep or 7. We’re early into this parenting game. There will be plenty more years of things we won’t be able to figure out. Things that will cause us to lose sleep. Things that will make us want for days long gone. My daughter is beautiful and precious, but she is hard. She will continue to be hard. Being a parent is a sacrifice and a responsibility, and I can’t find my identity in it or anything else because she will fail me, I will fail her, and I will fail myself. I’m thankful for this reminder from scripture; I’m thankful for my daughter; and I’m thankful for the opportunity to be her mom. So much can change in just a few months.