I’ve been a parent for about a month now. I can honestly say that having a child is the single hardest thing I have done in my life. I think I have cried more tears through pregnancy and the beginning of parenthood than I have in the past ten years or so. The experience has been the biggest roller coaster of my life.
The sciatica was painful, I was ill-prepared for the c-section, breastfeeding is not even in the same neighborhood as easy, and postpartum hormones are a serious situation.
Despite all of that, I’m desperately in love with my daughter. I love Husband even more than before not only because watching him with our daughter melts my heart, but also because he has been my rock in the middle of some very dark places these past few weeks. Also, there’s nothing like touching a newborn’s skin, I could sit and look at my daughter for hours a day, and I already know I would do anything I could to make her life as full and complete as possible.
Because so much has not gone as I expected or wanted, I have thought a lot about Psalm 139:16
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
I’ve thought about this verse in reference to both myself and my daughter. When I worry about all the things new moms worry about, I forget that my Creator knows all of my child’s days, and He is the one who gives and takes away. I have the responsibility to shepherd this precious life, but I am not who ultimately sustains her. Also, these days that are some of my most difficult are not a surprise to God. He knew the trouble we would have with pregnancy and breastfeeding and whatever additional trials that are still to come. In the midst of these things, He waits for me, He hears my cries, He loves me despite my brokenness, and desires to use all of this for His glory.
I’ve had a few days clear of “the baby blues” now. I hope they’re gone for good because my blues were very dark. Husband’s mother left yesterday. I’ll spend the next month trying to figure out a new normal, but first I’ll spend a few days laying on the couch with my beautiful little girl. We’re relaxing and napping and just enjoying one another for now. There will be plenty of time to figure out when I can go back to the gym, clean my house, cook paleo meals, take regular showers, and, you know, write a dissertation.