I Sat in Blueberry’s Room Today

08 Sep

Since I thought I was having a c-section on September 2nd, Husband and I did all of the things to prepare for the baby prior to Labor Day weekend. As a result, the last week was weird for me. I had little to no reason to go into the baby room and literally had no baby things to do. My hospital bag had already been packed for over a week, the baby room and baby crafts were all complete, all the clothes had been washed and hung, baby showers were done, thank you cards were written and sent, last minute things were ordered from the registry, and there was no baby for me to nurse, care for, or read to. Additionally, I’ve got food frozen, family who will come to stay for 2.5 weeks, and a church/school community that I know will also help to provide meals while I’m recovering. Seriously, I played video games with Husband for 3 hours on Saturday night and read an entire junk book this weekend.

All of this put me in a very weird place of getting used to my life again without a baby and struggling with several emotions about becoming a parent. I was worrying about if this was a good decision, hoping that I wouldn’t resent my child for changing my life so much, feeling guilty for not just being excited to meet my child, and generally being really ugly in my soul about it all. Then, I sat in Blueberry’s room this morning while I read my Bible and listened to some worship music. My intent had been to read all of Psalms 9, but I stayed with verse one alone:

I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.

Things this verse brought to mind:

  • The Gospel is all that I need. It is sufficient and overwhelmingly enough and eternally more than I could ask for or even want.
  • Become Blueberry’s mother is an act of obedience, which means it is good. But it is also a wonderful deed of the Lord. I never intended this. All of this is a result of God changing both of our hearts and minds. He is good to have brought us to this place.
  • God’s plan is better than any other plan I could conjure up. The fact that He even includes me in any plan of His is humbling and glorious.
  • I was allowing myself to become my own idol and was forgetting who I am in the Lord.
  • We were chosen to parent this little one. That is both a responsibility and a blessing. No one else was chosen for THIS child. I am thankful for the very unique responsibility given only to me and Husband.
  • God knows my heart and waits for me. He is wonderful in this. I am so thankful.

And then I looked around the room. I looked at the blanket I had crocheted, the literary quotes I had framed, the room I had designed, and my heart was full. I look forward to using all of the things in that room to help a new little person become a part of this world. Yes, my life will change. Yes, it will be incredibly hard, but nothing really worth doing is easy.

I give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart for this season and the way that I am growing because of it.


Posted by on September 8, 2014 in Christ-follower, Pregnancy


2 responses to “I Sat in Blueberry’s Room Today

  1. lacigrl

    September 8, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    It’s always refreshing to hear a real perspective about becoming a parent. While I’m sure there are some people who sit around their whole pregnancy or baby wait basking in the glow and wistfully dreaming about how amazing it will be, always rainbows and sunshine…that’s just not reality for most of us (or they hide it well). I think we ALL have freakout moments before baby arrives. Even when they’re very much wanted and planned! (“What did I do? Did I just condemn myself to a life of being constantly covered in spitup and losing myself?” “What if I’m not a good parent and can’t handle it?” “They’ll cost HOW much!?” etc). Truth is, there ARE tough moments. Times you will be exhausted and wish the baby had a mute or pause button and you miss just being able to take a long shower or see a movie in the theater. But along with the tough times come some amazing moments that make it all worth it. Like the first giggle. Or when they first meet a new person and instead cling to you (awww, I guess I AM their favorite!). Or tearing up watching your husband read stories to the baby, even though you almost never get emotional at things like that. And you will totally start seeing the world in a whole new way…through their eyes. I think that’s the best part. Experiencing everything for the first time again through them and remembering how to feel wonder and discovery, something we lose as cynical adults who’ve done it all. You also get to experience love in a whole new way…you’ll see what I mean. The love you have for your spouse will change (in a good way) as you see them being a parent, and the love that will develop (it’s instant for some, but others it may take time, also normal…you’ve never met!) for your child is unlike anything you’ve felt before. A glimpse into how God must feel about us. Wow. I never really GOT that until I became a parent.

    So just know that you’re SO not alone in those thoughts. It’s very normal, and probably very healthy to have some doubts and fears, much like any other big life decision. You’ve got an awfully big adventure ahead of you, and I think it will be one you will enjoy tremendously.

  2. jalzen

    September 11, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Laci, thanks so much for this. I really appreciate you sharing. You’re the best. Hugs to you both.


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