Since I thought I was having a c-section on September 2nd, Husband and I did all of the things to prepare for the baby prior to Labor Day weekend. As a result, the last week was weird for me. I had little to no reason to go into the baby room and literally had no baby things to do. My hospital bag had already been packed for over a week, the baby room and baby crafts were all complete, all the clothes had been washed and hung, baby showers were done, thank you cards were written and sent, last minute things were ordered from the registry, and there was no baby for me to nurse, care for, or read to. Additionally, I’ve got food frozen, family who will come to stay for 2.5 weeks, and a church/school community that I know will also help to provide meals while I’m recovering. Seriously, I played video games with Husband for 3 hours on Saturday night and read an entire junk book this weekend.
All of this put me in a very weird place of getting used to my life again without a baby and struggling with several emotions about becoming a parent. I was worrying about if this was a good decision, hoping that I wouldn’t resent my child for changing my life so much, feeling guilty for not just being excited to meet my child, and generally being really ugly in my soul about it all. Then, I sat in Blueberry’s room this morning while I read my Bible and listened to some worship music. My intent had been to read all of Psalms 9, but I stayed with verse one alone:
I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
Things this verse brought to mind:
- The Gospel is all that I need. It is sufficient and overwhelmingly enough and eternally more than I could ask for or even want.
- Become Blueberry’s mother is an act of obedience, which means it is good. But it is also a wonderful deed of the Lord. I never intended this. All of this is a result of God changing both of our hearts and minds. He is good to have brought us to this place.
- God’s plan is better than any other plan I could conjure up. The fact that He even includes me in any plan of His is humbling and glorious.
- I was allowing myself to become my own idol and was forgetting who I am in the Lord.
- We were chosen to parent this little one. That is both a responsibility and a blessing. No one else was chosen for THIS child. I am thankful for the very unique responsibility given only to me and Husband.
- God knows my heart and waits for me. He is wonderful in this. I am so thankful.
And then I looked around the room. I looked at the blanket I had crocheted, the literary quotes I had framed, the room I had designed, and my heart was full. I look forward to using all of the things in that room to help a new little person become a part of this world. Yes, my life will change. Yes, it will be incredibly hard, but nothing really worth doing is easy.
I give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart for this season and the way that I am growing because of it.