It’s almost time for my kiddo’s arrival, and there are several thoughts rattling around in my head:
I’m not all gushy like a lot of moms are. I don’t talk about how I’m already in love with my kid. Sure, I love my kid, and I’m excited for the baby to arrive, but I’m not all emotional about it. People tell me I’ll fall immediately in love at the first sight of my child. I really hope they are right, because if I’m honest, I already feel like I’m sort of failing my kid because I’m not already “in love”. I also think this might be due in part to the fact that we don’t know the sex, so the baby doesn’t have a name yet. I haven’t started thinking about a little boy or girl running around because I don’t know which it will be. I also think some of my lack of excitement is due to the stress of the three weeks we were considered a high-risk pregnancy. I am starting to feel more excited since that label was removed from us.
I daily fear that I will never get anything done again and am sure my dissertation will never be completed. This is irrational, I know. There are so many moms in my life who prove that wrong over and over again. I just feel anxious for knowing what the new “normal” will be for our family.
My selfishness becomes ever so apparent. The sacrifices of marriage seem like nothing compared to what I expect the sacrifices of parenthood to be.
The fear of childbirth is real–whether by c-section or natural childbirth. I am calmer about c-section now than I was a week ago, but I’m sure more tears will be shed if this is the route we have to take. I am also calmer about natural childbirth, but since I don’t expect it to be a reality, I don’t think about it much anymore.
I have not yet gotten to the point where “I’m ready” to give birth. In all honesty, pregnancy hasn’t been all that bad for me aside from the stress of the past few of weeks. Sleeping is getting more difficult as it is increasingly hard to roll over, I get pain in my hips, and I get up to go to the bathroom more and more frequently. Despite all of this though, I still wake up every morning feeling relatively well rested.
I struggle between mourning the loss of just Husband and I and looking forward to the new addition to our family. I am thankful for the almost 14 full years we’ve had just us, but since that’s all I’ve known for so long, it’s a little difficult to let that go. Really this is all evidence of me just not liking change all that much. I do admit that I am excited to see Husband as a father, and I’m sure he’ll be great at it. I’m very thankful to walk this road alongside him.
People keep asking if I’m ready. I think I’m as ready as I’m going to be aside from having a draft of my dissertation proposal done, getting a pedicure, and changing the sheets on the bed. Hoping to finish all of that in the next two weeks. Otherwise, I don’t think you’re ever really ready. We have everything we “need” and more and are immeasurably thankful for our community that literally provided everything for us. I honestly think I’ve spend maybe $100 on baby things outside of what we were gifted from various sources. I am so thankful for that as the medical bills are going to be quite a bit themselves.
I am increasingly protective (mama bear-ish?) of our family and our decisions. Have caught myself more than once being short/annoyed/without grace for people trying to be supportive and helpful when they try to tell me “how” to do something. This is evidence of the pride of which I am trying to let go.
I’ve been struggling to have my daily time with Jesus and am mindful of the fact that I want this to be part of my life again. One day at a time though.
Have been super thankful for the support I’ve received from so many women in my life, both from within and outside the church.
I am reminded of several truths in all of this: The Gospel is all I need, all I’ve been promised, and not only sufficient but infinitely more than I could ask for. I am not in control of anything, and there is freedom in letting go of that perceived control. My days have already been numbered and ordained. No amount of worry or concern that I waste will change a thing. God is good and His plan is perfect. My plans are inferior.