I’ve started this post more than once. The first line used to be “Team Alzen is finally expecting a new member”. Sadly, this truth has come and gone. Team Alzen was expecting a new member, but I had a miscarriage and lost that baby.
Many of you who read our blog already know all of this. It was never our plan to wait to tell people, so we didn’t. Although this is largely against traditional practice, it was natural to us. The only thing that would have been different had we not told people, is that I/we would be mourning in isolation now. I strive to live my life in community, and the support I’ve received both in celebrating a pregnancy and mourning its loss has been incredible. I certainly don’t regret telling people, and am thankful for my community. While talking about it and receiving support from others often brings tears, I know that with those tears come healing and deeper relationships, and I’m thankful for both.
Too many people think this doesn’t happen very often and that the mother must have done something to cause it. Neither of these are true, and part of me being very open about all of this is to influence this line of thinking. I feel very encouraged and supported through this process, but the thought of being alone or blaming myself for any of this would be devastating. The passing moments I spent thinking about what I did to cause this were awful, and I’m so thankful for my husband who quickly pushed those thoughts out of my head.
In all of this, I am certain of God’s love for me and His sovereign plan. I am certain of the love I share with my husband and his incredible strength and leadership for our family. I know that God will ultimately use this for His purposes, and I am thankful for the opportunity for refinement. I acknowledge that this is now part of our story and that I can empathize with and support others who experience this in ways I would not have been able to before. I am humbled and thankful for that opportunity.
Many have asked what they can do. If you are the praying kind, please pray for healing for us both. Pray that we would grieve and heal well and move forward from this more like Christ. Please also don’t feel the need to pity me or treat me like I’m fragile. I’m hurting, but I will be fine. Please just continue to walk in community with me. Be the friend you have always been to me and allow me to continue to be the same person in your life. I am, of course, changed by this experience, but I will now allow it to be something damaging but rather something that molds me into the person I was created to be.